Pronouns are a small part of speech and a large part of feeling seen. Getting them right is a habit that takes almost no effort once it is learned, and the impact of getting them right — or wrong — is much larger than the two seconds it takes to check. This is a practical guide to asking, using, and repairing pronouns on a live video call, without making it awkward for you or the person you are talking to.
What pronouns are and are not
A pronoun is the word someone wants used in place of their name when they are referred to in the third person — he, she, they, or a neopronoun like ze. It is not a label of their gender, an identity claim, or a political statement; it is simply the word that lets you refer to them without misnaming them. Treating it as a practical matter — "what word should I use?" — rather than a symbolic one keeps it small, which is the size it should be.
Why it matters on a call
On a video call, you refer to the other person directly, so pronouns mostly come up if you mention them to someone else or in a written note. The more common moment is at the start: the introduction, where names and pronouns are exchanged. Getting that exchange right sets the tone for the rest of the call, and getting it wrong — or skipping it awkwardly — can make someone feel unwelcome before the conversation has begun.
Pronouns are the word you use instead of someone's name. Treat asking as a practical question — "what should I call you?" — and it stays the size it should be.
How to ask
The cleanest way is to offer your own and invite theirs, as part of the introduction:
- "I'm Alex, I use they/them — what about you?"
- "I'm Sam, she/her. What should I use for you?"
- Or simply, "What pronouns do you use?" asked as easily as "what's your name."
The key is that it is offered, not extracted, and that it is asked of everyone, not only of people who look gender-non-conforming. Asking only the people you are unsure about makes the question feel like a test; asking everyone makes it feel like a normal part of an introduction.
When you do not know
If you did not get someone's pronouns and you need to refer to them, the safe default is the singular "they" until you know otherwise. "They seem nice," "I think they said they were in Berlin." Using "they" as a placeholder is not a guess about their gender; it is a neutral word that does not misname them, and it is increasingly the default in everyday speech. It is far better than guessing "he" or "she" and being wrong.
Using neopronouns
Some people use neopronouns — ze/zir, xe/xem, and others — that you may not have encountered. If someone shares one you do not know how to use, it is fine to ask, gently, "can you remind me how to use that in a sentence?" or to practise it once. People who use neopronouns are used to this, and a genuine, brief request to learn is almost always welcome. The only wrong move is to give up and use "they" instead because it is easier — that overrides what they told you.
When you get it wrong
You will get it wrong sometimes. The repair is the part that matters, and the best repair is short:
- Catch it, correct it, move on: "she — sorry, they — were saying..."
- Do not over-apologise. A long apology centres your guilt and asks the person you misgendered to comfort you.
- Do not explain why you got it wrong ("you just looked so..."). The explanation is usually worse than the mistake.
- If you realise later that you got it wrong, correct it the next time you refer to them; do not dig it back up to apologise at length.
The pattern is: brief correction, return to the conversation. That pattern tells the person you respect them and that the conversation is the point, not your feelings about the mistake.
When someone corrects you
If someone corrects your pronoun use, the response is "thanks, got it" and the correct pronoun from then on. Arguing ("but you look like a..."), justifying ("I just assumed because..."), or being wounded ("I didn't mean anything by it") all make the moment worse. A correction is information, not an accusation, and taking it as information is the whole skill. The ease of your response is what makes the person comfortable correcting you again if needed.
When you disagree
You may have a personal view about pronouns, gender, or how language should work. On a video call with a stranger, that view is not relevant. The person told you what to call them; the respectful thing is to call them that. Using the pronoun someone asked for is not an endorsement of a political position; it is the basic courtesy of using the name someone gave you. If you cannot do that, the respectful move is to end the call rather than to debate it — a stranger on a video call did not sign up to be argued with about who they are.
Pronouns in writing
If you are typing — a chat message, a note about the call — the same rules apply. Use the pronoun you were given, default to "they" if you do not have one, and do not guess from a name or a photo. Written text is more likely to be shared or seen later, so getting it right there matters at least as much as in speech.
Group calls and third-person references
On a one-to-one call, pronouns mostly come up in introductions. In group settings — which Rollr.club does not do, but which are worth a note — pronouns matter most when you refer to someone in the third person to someone else ("she was saying..."). That is the moment misgendering most often slips in, because the person is not there to correct you in real time. The habit of using the right pronoun even when the person is not listening is the real test of whether you have learned it.
What not to do
- Do not ask someone's pronouns only because they look gender-non-conforming; ask everyone or no one.
- Do not make a performance of asking — a long, careful preamble makes the question feel heavy.
- Do not use "preferred pronouns" as if the pronoun is a preference you can decline.
- Do not refuse to use a neopronoun because it is unfamiliar; learn it.
- Do not tell someone their pronoun is "grammatically wrong"; singular "they" is standard English.
Why it is worth the small effort
Getting pronouns right costs almost nothing — a two-second question, a brief repair when you slip — and the benefit is that someone feels seen rather than misnamed. For trans and non-binary people, being misgendered is a constant, low-grade sting that adds up over years; a single call where it does not happen is a small relief, and a platform where it usually does not happen is a meaningfully better place to be. The effort is small, the ease is learnable, and the effect is real. For one-to-one video chat where your pronouns are respected, try Random Adult Video Chat.